We’re going to breeze through a quick recap of tonight’s game against the Mariners. There may be no better way to sum up just how awful just about everything went than this photo:

There may be nothing funnier than this. I only hope he was hit because he'd just unsuccessfully tried to start the wave.

Here’s how it went: Phil Hughes got completely hit around. He couldn’t locate pitches, he couldn’t shut down the guys he needed to (scrub nobodies like Jack Wilson, Rob Johnson and Michael Saunders), he threw nothing but cutters and fastballs. Ultimately, we saw Hughes give up 7 runs (6 earned) on the evening. This had nothing to do with him having his start skipped last turn around. That’s absurd. The sample size of this causing his struggles is one game. More likely it’s that he had poor command of his pitches, left them in the zone and got tagged. That happens, even against a team of shit-hitters like the Mariners.

It’s not like Hughes was burning through batters lately. In his last four starts he’s 3-1, but his ERA in that span is 6.59. It’s better that his start was skipped for the simple reason that Hughes is on an innings limit and it’s far more advantageous to have Hughes contributing later in the season. You don’t want innings limits, pitch counts, conservative pragmatic approaches to managing a valuable, high-ceiling arm? Petition for Dusty Baker to coach the team and for Nolan Ryan to take over as GM.

The offense largely sputtered through the game, though Nick Swisher and Curtis Granderson contributed nicely, the former with 2 home runs and the latter with a few hard-hit balls against a lefty. The rest of the team went 4 for 30, though to their credit they hit a few balls very solidly, all unfortunately at Mariner defenders. There’s absolutely no shame in the team not putting a whole lot together against Cliff Lee. I mean, shit, he’s been one of the best pitchers in baseball for the last few years. He’s legit. I’m hoping he becomes a Yankee next season. A 1-2-3-4 of CC, Cliff Lee, Phil Hughes, AJ Burnett would be murder on any opponent. If there’s a silver lining it’s that Paul O’Neill Theory may be in effect. They put together a nice rally in the 9th before Chad Huffman haphazardly swung at the first pitch, weakly popping out.

Speaking of Chad Huffman, is it just me or does Chad Huffman make everything in left field look SUPER difficult? Most unnatural fielder I’ve seen since I spent hours in a dark room watching clips of Adam Dunn playing RF.

Crazy 8′s

Zambrano issued his mea culpa. Everything now A-ok in Cubbie Land.

Good news, M&A readers! I was able to find an advanced copy of Carlos Zambrano’s apology to his fellow teammates and fans for his outbursts last week. Here it is:

“I’m sorry. It’s my fault that this organization signed Derek Lee, Aramis Ramirez, Kosuke Fukodome, Alfonso Soriano and myself all to big-money, flexibility-killing deals. Did you know that combined, we have a WAR of 3.5 this year? Guess how much money we combine to make? Over $77 million for just the five of us. These deals were way above market rates and generally at least two years too long. Sorry about that one. Really. My bad. Oh, but hey, at least you have Carlos Silva at over $11 million for the next few years. Ace.

It’s also my fault that instead of having a dedicated owner who would do whatever it took to contend (like Mark Cuban), the fans are stuck with an owner who — out of pure coincidence, I’m sure — is friends with Bud Selig and just happened to submit a lower ownership bid. Again, it’s my fault fans are stuck with an inferior product but pay top dollar to see it – not the ownership or GM Jim Hendry, who, you know, had nothing to do with assembling this whole mess.

It’s also my fault that the players on this team hate each other so much that in spite of good talent, we under-perform so badly that we have priests blessing us before games, throwing salt over shoulders. Also my bad that players are pledging to kill other players’ wives if they choose Team Edward over Team Jacob. We also sacrifice goats and bathe Kosuke with the blood against his will. Saw that on a Japanese porno once. Ok, maybe that one is really just on me. Anyway, we probably won’t have any chance of doing anything noteworthy aside from being a Clippers-like sideshow for the next three or four years. Or maybe 100 years. That’s my fault, too. Again, Cubs fans, it’s all my fault this team has underperformed for years and there isn’t any light at the end of the tunnel. Getting on my teammates for not making any effort to catch balls because they’re indifferent little shits who don’t even feign a work ethic, was totally uncalled for. For that I sincerely apologize.

It’s not Lou Pinella’s fault that this team is lifeless and argue constantly; that GM Jim Hendry has compiled an impressive array of under-performing veterans with awful contracts, a dearth of impact young talent (and when there, are often inexplicably given sporadic playing time), and no financial flexibility; and also, ownership, who seem to have a vested interest in maintaining the 100-plus years of ineptitude as tradition here in Wrigley. So sorry for what I’ve put you through.”

Notes from around the league:

*Harold Reynolds actually believes that Puerto Rico is a country. He actually said it tonight. Seriously. The worst part of this is I actually thought: “Oh that Harold, sending cryptic messages to Jon Kruk.”

*Barry Larkin said that only guys with facial hair can be intimidating as a closers. I’m not making that up. Have you ever heard of Mariano Rivera?

Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria.

*Edwin Rodriguez is now slated to be the Marlins manager for the rest of 2010.

Thoughts on the Marlins: I really don’t understand how they have any fan base whatsoever. What’s the business process there? This is what I assume is Loria’s 12-step business model.

Step 1: Find old white people, Cubans. Step 2: Get them really, really drunk. So drunk they have no idea where they are. Bus them to that awful “park” the Dolphins used to play in. Step 3: Blow out their ear drums with vuvuzelas. Step 4: Give them more alcohol. Step 5: Spend $20 million on baseball team. Step 6: Steal money from other baseball teams. Step 7: Use stolen money to buy more shitty Jackson Pollack paintings. Step 8: Develop great young talent. Then trade them when they start making more than minimum wage (or turn 25) for prospects. Step 9: Complain to drunk, deaf old people and Cubans that you don’t have any money and you’ll move the team if you don’t get a new stadium and more paintings. Step 10: Steal more money. Step 11: ?????? Step 12: Profit.

*Hank Blalock has been DFA’d by the Rays. If there’s one team that know a thing or two about sunk costs, it’s the Rays. Blalock has been just brutal. Matt Joyce was finally given a bit of playing time, though he’s underperformed. In fairness to him, most of the Rays have underperformed lately. They just lost another one, this game to the Red Sox. Hopefully the two teams split the series so they each stay a few games back of the Yanks.

*Denard Span had three triples tonight! Three! And Gordon Beckham didn’t go 0 for 5 with 5 strikeouts! Wacky day, indeed!