As I wrote a few hours ago, I did an inning-by-inning live analysis of last Sunday’s game of the Yankees v Mets. That game was awful. It was like watching the most gorgeous girl you’ve ever seen tell you off and then proceed to get down and dirty with some sort of farm animal. You’re upset because you felt personally slighted and then have the indignity of watching some vile act most thought were illegal even in former Soviet Bloc countries.

In my drunken stupor, I vowed to not do it again. Suffering through that game was bad enough, but writing about every at bat and documenting my seething rage was just the cherry on the creme poope. But you know what? I figured I’d give it another go. If nothing else it will be therapeutic to look back on the things I wrote in May and say to myself, “Wow, I sound like some short-sighted idiot on LoHud or an ESPN.com commenting board.”

So here we go, kids. Game 47. Javy versus one of the Twins pitchers that is completely like two other starting Twins pitchers — non-descript white dude with average stuff that doesn’t throw balls and keeps the baseball on the ground. Might be Baker, could be Blackburn or maybe Slowey. They’re all the same to me. The internet tells me it’s Nick Blackburn. Cool. He’s K’d 2.50 batters per nine innings. He’s never been a strikeout pitcher but really? Less than three per nine? How is that even possible? He’s also thrown 2.17 walks per nine and is sporting an ERA of 4.50 and his xFIP is 5.10. I like our chances against a guy like this.

Facing him is Javy Vazquez, who’s apparently facing no ill effects from an injury to his hand sustained coincidentally enough, last Sunday against the Mets. He feels great and is looking to move toward three straight excellent starts. It would still be nice to see him get his fastball up a tick or so, but he’s mixing his pitches better, spotting the ball effectively and has just mowed down hitters.

Derek Jeter is a huge American Idol fan, which I guess isn’t that weird considering he dated Mariah “I’m fucking crazy” Carey. Also, did you know he has an Edge? He has one. So do bearded men that need Touch of Men. Emmitt’s beard is weird. Ok, moving on. He was the hero of yesterday’s games with one home run and a great defensive play at short, though it’s clear his range to his left just isn’t any good at this point.

Nick Swisher returns to his natural spot in the order. The Brett Gardner Experiment at the top of the order seemingly has ended. Haha, just kidding. Swisher was obviously the big reason the Yanks won last night’s game, though certainly credit should go to Andy for really bearing down and smothering the Twins, although he did luck out a few times on hard-hit balls. So he’s rewarded by dropping to 6th. That makes tons of sense. If you’re Ken Macha.

Mark Teixiera takes a giant shit right after Swisher. There’s just no way to sugarcoat Teix’s season anymore. Yes, he’s a slow starter. Yes, his swing is all about timing. Whatever, it’ll be June in four days. You need to get your shit together, Mark. The good news is he hit a ball very hard yesterday. Bad news is Morneau made a great play and took away a sure-fire base hit. He also hit another ball quite well and then somehow still managed to fuck up, misreading how quickly the ball would get to 2nd. He was out by a significant margin. His other swings elicited little contact; he weakly popped out to the infield and very shallow past second. Please get your shit together, Mark. No team can greatly succeed when their three hitter is hitting like Rey Ordonez.

A-Rod often looked just brutal at the plate last night. Just didn’t look in-sync. He’s 1 for his last 11 with four strikeouts.

Cano lines up at 2B and in the 5 spot. He’s squandered some opportunities lately, but it’s hard to complain about a guy who’s been hitting as well as he has, with a nine-game hit streak as of now. Dude’s been hitting the ball hard, which is nice considering he’d slumped after that absolutely monstrous April.

Now Swisher is out there at the 6-hole. Not much needs to be said about what he did last night, but he’s quietly been one of the better hitters this year, though his slugging percentage is still way lower than you’d expect from him. I think that should correct itself as the weather heats up and he’s further removed from his arm issues.

Miranda steps in at DH and he’s flashed some potential. They could use a good power stroke, so here’s to Miranda figuring it out.

Cervelli and Russo follow Miranda, which looks like a pretty ugly bottom three. And frankly, Gardner should be done there too. Frankie continues to defy his ability and probability. Don’t think it can continue for much longer but we should be thrilled we’ve been able to ride out out for so long. Russo’s also impressed in his few at bats (17, I think) for the Bombers. He profiles well as a utility player and he has good contact skills, but this is not the Second Coming. Still, there’s hope he can be a solid major leaguer for a while.

Ah well, let the game begin!

Top 1st

Jeter starts things off with a well-hit ball to center.

Jeter’s starting to look like the Jeter of old at the plate. Maybe Minka stopped nagging him about the color of napkins for their wedding or something.

Gardner slaps one out to left field. The defensively inept Jason Kubel catches the ball. Two small miracle occurred here, folks: Gardner hit it out of the infield, Kubel caught it.

I know it’s mean-spirited but Jason Kubel actually looks stupid. I have no idea if he is, but have you ever just physically seen someone, maybe at the mall or wherever, and just said, “I’d bet $100 that person has trouble tying their shoes in the morning.”? Just sayin’.

Michael Kay tells us Blackburn doesn’t allow stolen bases. He also is very efficient with his pitches. Actually fairly pertinent information. Almost makes me wonder if he got that from the scouting report “Groundballs”.

Wow, Teix  made another really nice swing. Jeter to third!

You know what, maybe his timing is back. Is it too early for me to say this? Youbetcha. But Mark has just been too good for too long over his career for it not to click at this point. And he’s never been this cold for this long.

*A-Rod steps up. Please no double play. Please. Anything but that…UPDATE: He fucking grounded into a double play. Ugh. At least the inning was overall encouraging. A-Rod now 1 for last 12. Been really hurting rallies.

Today we spell redemption: M-I-S-S-E-D  O-P-P-O-R-T-U-N-I-T-Y. Wait, is that how you spell it? I should consult Webster’s.

I’m not sure I believe in the whole notion of “we haven’t been doing well for X period of time, so when they heat up, they’ll score 20 runs per game. Especially with RiSP. It’ll look like a football game,” but I really hope that’s true. Someone should do a study. Maybe Paul O’Neill. He seems to like this outlandish shit.

Bottom 1st:

*Span grounds to Teixiera at 1st.

*Javy keeping the ball down, hitting his spots.

Only one batter so far, but that’s a good way to start. His landing spot looks better than it had earlier in the year and his pace is better. Still, his fastball doesn’t look promising.

O-Dogg walks.

I wonder if he drinks a lot of orange juice or if he got the name for doggin’ it out there. But you know he’s a Gold Glover (from like 7 years ago and hasn’t had a good defensive season since) and because he’s black can steal 50 bases if he wanted to.

Javy looks like he’s getting squeezed a bit out there. But his fastball is also 87 mph. Rut roh. Especially against Mauer.

Mauer nails a hanging slider that went nowhere into left field. 1st and 3rd, one out.

I’m starting to panic right now.

Morneau hits a sac fly to left field, Russo catches it but there’s no way he gets Hudson. Twins 1, Yankees 0.

I can deal with this. It’s just one run, certainly nothing insurmountable. As long as we limit it, this isn’t a big deal. Hopefully it’s just first inning kinks on Javy’s part.

Ball was smoked to Teixiera off Thome’s bat. Goddamn that was rocketed.

Result looked good on that, process — not so much. You’re not going to catch many balls hit that hard. Dodged a bullet there.

Top 2nd

You can’t tell me this isn’t subliminal promotion for Just for Men. Why are you still talking about hair color? Is this Barbershop 4 with Al and Mike?

Cano grounds out to Hudson. Torii Hunter not sure which of them is actually black.

Swisher gets under one and pops out. Somehow Kubel catches another one.

This is crazy! It’s like hitting the lotto jackpot two days in a row!

Miranda looks small for a first baseman. Doesn’t he look like he could play second? You know, if he had any agility. No? Ok.

Shattered bat to Hudson, Miranda gone.

Wow, that was quick. Did Kay or Leiter talk about the game at any point during that half inning?

Bottom 2nd:

Cuddyer hits a ball and a diving Gardner just misses it.

Goddamn, this outfield defense just hasn’t been very good the last few days. Russo misplayed a ball yesterday, and Gardner and Swisher had their own goofs, if memory serves. I know Gardner is fast and any other centerfielder wouldn’t have been near it, but they’d have limited it to a single. Instead, the risk means a man on second and no outs. Please stop taking so many unnecessary risks, Brett.

Kubel steps up and drills a ball to the Great Wall of China or Citi Field Wall Midwest. Run scores, which wouldn’t have happened if not for Gardner’s misplay.

Why the hell do you have walls like that, Minnesota? Is there a moat behind it? And shit, Javy, your breaking ball isn’t breaking and your fastball is slow and straight.

The guy who looks like Mac from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia rockets a ball to left center.

They’re hitting everything hard. Javy’s looking like pre-Good Javy, the one who didn’t throw fastballs and left balls all over the center of the plate. Unless he figures this out, this will be a tough game to win.

Casilla slams another hard hit ball, Teix scoops it, goes to second for a DP instead of looking home. Kubel trots in.

Why didn’t you look at home, Teix? Whyyyyyyy? I’m glad we got a DP, but fuck “reactionary”! You should be cognizant that there’s a man on third. And it’s Jason Kubel! He runs like a Molina! I’m glad he got to the ball, obviously. Many 1B wouldn’t. Then we’re talking another run, but the head’s not sharp there.

Denard Span slams a ball that just doesn’t have any movement on the inside. Double!

Could I pick worse games to do this live blogging?

Update, 8:53: I said I wouldn’t beforehand, but I’m opening the bottle. It’s going to be another like this.

Top 3:

Hey guys, this was so rough I had to replenish with some whiskey. I also thought it would be less painful to talk to my boss instead of watching the game. What does that tell you?

From what my Twitter buds said: Yankee offense was asleep at the wheel, channeling their inner Torre. Scott Proctor unavailable for comment. Presumed dead. Just like the offense. But that’s repetitive. But hey, that’s the update your going to get.

Bottom 3rd:

Again, missed a few at bats but tuned in to see Javy issue a walk to Morneau. Ah, the shock!

Javy hit 90! He struck out Cuddyer!

Leiter thinks he’s opening up too much. Leiter’s actually making some pretty good points on how to pitch with diminished stuff. Kay still fuming. “Why is this happening? He’s done this for 13 years!” Oh boy!

Swisher catches a ball tagged deep to right. Forgets that means there are 3 outs. Hurries a throw in to Cano. Focus, Nick!

Top 4th:

I feel like every YES Twins trivia’s answer is Kirby Puckett. Why is that?

Gardner tries to bunt. This usually doesn’t end well. But he rebounds to get a hit to left.

Well, hey there’s some discernable progress.

Gardner should be stealing if he’s on base even at the 2-spot. Why? Because the guys behind him haven’t done shit lately. At least get an eency weency bit closer to home. It’s worht the risk and I generally don’t advocate hitters at the top of the order to steal.

Teix pops it up, Gardner remains on 1st. Teix swung at a baaaaad pitch, one that you don’t swing at on 3-0.

A-Rod follow suit and gets under one, popping up to RF. 1-13.

Our long regional nightmare continues.

Mauer boots a throw to 1st trying to pick off Gardner. Gardner advances to second.

That was not a fake move. He was deeked and lucked out that Mauer erred on his throw. Simple as that. Only 10th Twins error all season. Wow! You know this all because Ron Gardenhire is such a master, his kinetic energy enables the Twins to play sound baseball. You know that, right? Has to be true. Fits the narrative.

Robbie lines one into left-center, Gardner rounds the bases! Huzzah! Huzzah! And with two outs! With a RiSP! I know, it really happened. I too am amazed!

Swisher hits a ball to right-center, Robbie advances to 3rd.

Does this mean our offense is not the Mariners? Because that shatters everything I’ve seen lately.

Yanks are working the ‘Burn with pitch count, but Miranda slaps a non-threatening ball to Hudson. No more runs, still down 3-1. Still, something positive happened.

Bottom 4th:

Quick groundout to Butera and there’s one away. Good start, Jav-not, let’s keep it going.

Alexi Casilla is swinging for the fences. His weird goatee still in tact.

Another groundout and Casilla is gone.

And Span grounds out to Jeter, who moved ever-so-slightly to his left and still managed to record the out.

It’s the bottom of the order and Span, so let’s hold off praises on Javy’s fourth inning re-emergence. He looked pretty decent against two sub-par hitters. And he missed his spots to Casilla. He looked better, but I’m not sold.

Top 5th:

Freddy Garcia is still alive? And someone let’s him pitch every five days? Why would they do that? Hey, do you remember when he was good? Yeah, I think I was in 8th grade.

Cervelli shatters a bat and bloops a ball to center. The bat undoubtedly hit Javier Vazquez.

Russo tags a ball but directly at Morneau, who doubles up Cervelli.

Damn, that’s frustrating. Anyway, when are we going to see Chad Moeller? Cervelli has played every game since Pee Hands went down. Moeller always reminds me of my 6th grade Home-Ec teacher, Mrs. Molnar. She made us do some sort of naming game so she could better remember our last names. She was old and incontinent. How to remember her name: a mole in a hole with an “r”. Yeah, that’s not fucking stupid. Of course, I relayed mine (which I won’t share – I desire some degree of anonymity on the internet) and was promptly ridiculed by this woman. From a woman who used a mole in a hole with an “r”. 6th grade was actually the last year I was popular in school. That’s when all of the kids started drinking milk or developing pituitary gland disorders and getting freakishly large. Ah yes, those were the days.

Jeter goes to right, singling. He looks much, much better lately.

Glad to see he might not be room temperature and there’s still some life in that bat.

“Blackburn certainly doesn’t want to lose Gardner here (to a walk) and face Teixiera,” says Leiter. Hmmm…not entirely sure about that.

Brett just can’t swing the bat. We saw this hesitancy last year and it’s again reared its homely head. What happened to those stories about him being super awesome with bunting and being more aggressive at the plate?

Gardy slaps a ball to Blackburn. Inning over.

Bottom 5th:

Considering how Javy’s pitched, I can’t believe he’s only given up 3 runs.

Oh shit, Hudson slammed that ball into the gap for a 0-out triple. Of course that had to follow my previous statement.

Did you know in Spanish, they say “haha” as “jaja”. They may change that to “javyjavy” at this rate. THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER!

Chad Gaudin sighting!

Javy threw a pitch that was called a ball to Mauer. It should have been a strike. Then he gets a strike that should have been a ball. Umps are terrible. There’s just no reason for that. Umps should face a firing squad at the end of the season, Joe West especially.

He struck out Mauer on a changeup. Wow, that’s some good fortune. It was actually a solid at bat. Javy-killer Morneau steps up. Ruh roh!

I would pitch Morneau very, very, very carefully. Walk the dude if need be. It’s better than the alternative.

Good, they intentionally walk Morneau.

I like the move. No reason to give him the game.

Ah well, the ball was hit hard by Thome deep to right, partially because he missed the pitch. Run scores, 4-1.

Still, I’d do that again if it worked out like that. Better strategic decision.

A flyout, and a well-hit one, ends the inning. Thanks Cuddyer!

Top 6th:

Teix rockets a ball deep to the gap, right under the Great Wall of Target. His timing looks much better.

Alex bloops a ball to second and he swung at a bad pitch. Plus, one of the pitches in that AB was called a strike. It wasn’t.

Robbie continues his hard hitting, dropping a well-placed ball along the first base line. Teix scores and we’re back to a two run deficit.

Robbie’s been one of the few who’s been coming through of late. Kudos to him.

Gah, Swish strikes out on a low and inside breaking ball.

It was a close call, especially for a guy that averages just over one strikeout per start. But hey, Zen Baseball. Zen baseball…zen baseball…

Miranda again weakly hits a ball to the right side of the infield, stranding Cano at second. More nothing with RiSP.

We should be creaming Blackburn. It’s a travesty we only have two runs to show for it. He hasn’t looked good at all. We let ‘em off the hook!

Bottom 6th:

CHOP is up in the ‘pen. Should I be happy about this?

Kubel launches a shot way, way out there. Holy lord was that ball crushed. That ball was a button hook curve in the middle of the plate. Just hung. 5-2.

Javy still rarely hitting 90, usually at 88, 89.

Mac hits a ball deep to right, but this one stays in the park. I still prefer Charlie over him for what it’s worth.

Every out is getting beaten like Rhianna.

Alexi Casilla flies out to right field. Javy’s done, CHOP is in.

Maybe he’ll be better than Vince Offer, you know the Slap Chop/ Shamwow guy. A hooker tried to literally bite his dick off. Diarreah!

Park can’t field a weakly hit ball from Span, Cano didn’t have time to throw out Denard Span.

Hudson grounds out.

Chop gets two ground balls and actually looked pretty good. This is a promising sign. He didn’t even give up one home run!

Top 7th:

Missed a bit on this one but it seems the bottom of the lineup and Jeter went down in order. Blackburn somehow is still coming out relatively unscathed. This would normally amaze me had I not momentarily realized our offense is playing like crap and the bottom of our lineup is Miranda, Cervelli, Russo.

Bottom 7th:

Leiter and Kay mention that it’s hard for teams in the NL whose best player is a catcher because you can’t DH him which means you lose him in the lineup. In a related story, the earth is still round.

CHOP walks Mauer to start the inning. I’d really like if we could keep this close, fellas.

TOMAY? MARTAY? OKAY!

Morneau grounds one under the glove of Teixiera. Men on 1st and 2nd, no out.

CHOP really didn’t do poorly. Every ball hit was a groudner. Gotta like that. Walking Mauer isn’t exactly one of the seven deadly sins, either.

I know I should like him, but I really dislike Marte. I’ve written about his stuff before and it’s not the same it was a few years ago. His slider is sweeping and he often hangs it, his fastball isn’t located very well, and he just looks lost up there sometimes.

I should say that it’s tough for any guy not to pitch for a week.

Blows it by Thome for strike one. He shouldn’t have swung at that.

Same pitch and Thome skies it toward the seats in right. Teix makes a nice catch. Marte did his job.

CHAD GAUDIN! SO EXCITED! I shaved my beard for solidarity’s sake. Seriously, I did. That’s kind of sad.

Ace is probably done for the year. They knew that.

Strikeout on Cuddyer!

Wow, he looked great. That slider was wonderful. He can really knock righties around. Just beware of lefties. Be very wary.

Ruh roh, Kubel is a lefty. Oh boy.

Haha, called strike two was not a strike. Definitely outside.

Ball boy is awful. Why did they let that old man on the field? Someone tase him!

Remember that I wrote Gaudin gets shelled by lefties? Yeah, three-run home run.

Oh boy. I’m sorry for saying your physical appearance makes me suspect your IQ is fairly low, Jason. Whatever, you’re a solid slugger. You don’t need to theorize over particle physics to do what you do. Also, I love the beard. Tell Alexi Casilla to follow suit.

Hardy strikes out but the damage is done. 8-2 Twins.

Update: Even though I have lots and lots and lots of work tomorrow, I just poured myself another glass of whiskey. I can probably now just cut and paste the last post I made from the Mets, Yanks game last Sunday.

Top 8th:

Gardner can’t lay off a breaking ball that was nowhere near the plate. Strikeout.

Right now I’m only looking to see some good at bats from the Yankee hitters and that’s all. Whatever, we won the series, that’ts good enough for me. Curtis come back soon!

No, the games against the Mets mean nothing, Kay. No one really cares about the so-called rivalry.

Tex badly gets under a ball and pops up to 3rd. Ah well, he’s looked fairly good today and in last night’s game.

Those pitchers also looked so good because the Yankees haven’t hit against them, Leiter. These weren’t Cy Young winners, dude. Liriano and Santana are top pitchers and Pelfrey is improved, but c’mon, Scott Baker, Nick Blackburn, Takahashi? They’re not bad pitchers, but it’s not like we faced off against Roy Halladay for six straight games.

A-Rod hits a ball to left-center. Single, first hit in like 15 at bats!

Robbie works the count but is late on a ball and pops it weakly to left field. Inning over.

Bottom 8th:

Chad Gaudin is “right”, Kay. He struggles against lefties, ran into one with very good raw power and it is what it is. Don’t read too much into it. He threw a pretty good at bat against him but missed on a pitch and saw it fly.

Unlucky. Casilla hits a chopper to Gaudin. Hits off his glove and the ball dies in front of second base. Not much you can do about that.

Not sure about $30 million a year, Kay. He’d make top dollar but I think a lot of teams are hesitant to give a catcher whose power was artifically inflated by luck $30 mil. over a huge number of years. Possibly, but I doubt it.

This team was going to be contracted because Carl Pohlad was one of the worst owners in sports, not because of the market. The market is fine if you put a good product on the field and manage the organization – at all levels – effectively.

Span down on a nice slider by Gaudin. See, he’s good. And it was against a lefty! Really!

NO! PLEASE DO NOT TALK ABOUT BRETT FAVRE! JUST DON’T DO IT! I CAN’T TAKE IT! ESPN DOES ENOUGH OF THIS! NOT YOU, YES!

Spaced out but Hudson is out. One man on. Mauer up, 1 out.

Mauer hits a double play directly to Jeter, who was playing him exactly where Mauer hit into one last night in the 8th. They’ve scouted Mauer, you can bet.

Top 9th:

Swisher grounds one to Hudson at second.

O-Dogg doggin’ it? Say it ain’t so!

Miranda skies a ball to center. Span gets under it. We’re down to our last out here.

Cervelli grounds out to Casilla’s goatee.

I wonder if Chad Gaudin just got sad seeing Casilla’s goatee scoop that up to end the game.

Okay guys, I should stop picking Javy starts to do this. We’ll do it again sometime next week before I leave on vacation next Saturday. Not much I can say about this game that hasn’t already been said. It was rough. Hitting didn’t come through yet again, Gardner’s defensive gaffe hurt and Javy just couldn’t do anything right. Good thing is Teix and Jeter looked much better and believe it or not, even with the homer off Gaudin, the bullpen was pretty good. We just got beat. It’s a long season, we just have to come back and fight tomorrow.